…most of the time.
When I lived in Orlando, no one ever noticed that I don’t wear my wedding ring. Then I moved to North Carolina.
As soon as I told someone that I was married, the first question to fly out of their mouth -if they were a woman- was “where is your wedding ring?” Telling them it was at home, on the dresser, under the bills was, apparently, not a good enough answer. Blasphemy!
So why don’t I?
1. I’ll lose it. If it can be lost, I’ve lost it. Phone. Keys. Money. ID. Laptop. Car. I basically started going everywhere with a giant briefcase, so all of my stuff was in one place.
The simple truth is, my brain just doesn’t care about maintaining a mental LoJack on my possessions. It’s busy with important deep stuff like this Supernanny fiasco.
And before I was married I never really wore any jewelry. Ever. So when I got married I kept losing my ring in public bathrooms. I would take it off to wash and dry my hands, and then just walk off without it.
2. Devaluation. When I do manage to successfully wear my ring, I also manage to bang the hell out of it. Honestly, it looks like I backed my car over it a couple of times.
3. Hazardous. Every time I lose the least bit of weight, it falls right off my finger. I was gesturing one day and it literally flew across the room.
4. I don’t feel like it. If it’s a special occasion, sure I’ll put it on, but other than that it is just one more stupid thing I have to manage and remember. I like knowing it’s at home (at the moment, on top of the pepper grinder in the kitchen) and safe.
But oh, how will I let people know that I am no longer available, that business is closed?
The same way I did when I wasn’t married but in a relationship - by not being available and not doing business. Simple as that. If you need your partner to wear the wedding ring, then you don’t trust them.
And if you don’t trust them, you should have thought of that before getting married.
Believe me. Anyone who has known me for any length of time knows that I am in a kick-ass marriage to an incredible partner who I am crazy about.
Being a husband or a wife has nothing to do with wearing a piece of metal. Actions truly do speak louder than words.
16 comments
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January 9, 2008 at 5:40 pm
Aura Mae
I also don’t wear my wedding ring every day. I have lost two (one very expensive and one family heirloom) wedding rings. Both of them at work. I also suffer from “a little weight loss equals a loose ring” and I am tired of the drama a lost ring. A ring is not what deters me from cheating on my husband. The thought of a painful and expensive divorce, I mean, the deep and abiding love I have for my husband is what deters me.
persistentillusion says:
You crack me up.
January 9, 2008 at 8:16 pm
daffy
Hello, I just bumped into you at The Daily Dish and thought I would come for a nosey.
While I agree with everything you say I do wear my wedding ring permanatley. I rarely take it off and until this very moment I hadn’t given it alot of thought. I wonder if it’s something that I do because society expects? I don’t think society cares… Is it because I feel as though it is an integral part of the union? Most definitely not. I think the main reason is because of where I am from it is the norm. Is it expected, so I fall into line like all the other sheep? The funny thing is many men I know or have seen do not wear their wedding ring. It’s not expected of them.
As if wearing one wedding ring is not a heavy enough burden. :o) Yes, I too struggle with the responsibility of having to check my finger every ten minutes. Sadly the weight loss doesn’t seem to be a problem I think it’s because of the chocolate, but I wear my late mums wedding ring too. Strangely enough though, I sometimes think that the ring ‘wears me’.
persistentillusion says:
Why do the men you know choose not to wear the rings?
January 9, 2008 at 9:08 pm
purple_kangaroo
I don’t wear my wedding ring for the reasons you mentioned . . . and also that the stone sticking up gets in the way, catches on things, etc. After I lost the wedding band (I think it just came off my hand somewhere–I lost weight and it was too big) I was worried about losing the engagement ring too.
My husband and I picked out a nice $20 or $30 band that I like, and I wear that on my “wedding ring” finger most of the time. It’s a good compromise for me.
I do still have my engagement ring and, though it’s not humongously valuable, it’s precious to me, so I don’t wear it every day.
persistentillusion says:
I love that it’s cool with your husband. I know that not everyone’s s/o is as cool about it as that.
January 9, 2008 at 9:52 pm
daffy
I really don’t know. My dad has never wore a wedding ring and I have never thought to ask why not. My husband wears his. I wouldn’t mind whether he chose to wear it or not. I don’t think there is a trust issue tied with our desicions to wear the rings. You have really got me thinking now. I was going to ask the girls at work tomorrow but then I realised that I am the only married women in an office of ten women. Now there is a statistic!
January 9, 2008 at 10:02 pm
purple_kangaroo
I forgot to say, also, that in some professions you cannot safely wear a wedding ring. My dad is in construction and he can’t wear it–too dangerous, as it could get caught in a saw or a beam or snag on a nail or rough spot while they’re lifting a wall frame, etc. Most musicians don’t wear jewelry on their hands, either–it messes up their balance.
Thanks for stopping by my blog.
January 10, 2008 at 1:43 am
thedailydish
Interesting post. Never really thought about it before. My husband and I both wear our rings all the time & even have another set of rings for the ring finger on our other hand. I guess we’re pretty extreme communicators!
January 10, 2008 at 4:34 am
lisamm
I love my ring. I haven’t taken it off in years. I can’t understand why you’d need to take it off to wash your hands. I just leave it on. Not sure I could get it off without a fight anymore, anyway. If my ring was sitting around somewhere inside my house, it would get lost a lot quicker than it would on my finger. If a person lost weight and it didn’t fit right, I could see it slipping around, but maybe you could get one of those little sizer thingys to keep it on ?
persistentillusion says:
I hate that wet feeling uder my ring if I leave it on. I’m just not a jewelry person. My father was the same was - he lost his within 48 hours of the wedding in some taxi.
January 10, 2008 at 4:35 am
lisamm
PS NOt that it matters! Lots of people I know don’t wear their rings (mostly men, tnough)
January 10, 2008 at 4:27 pm
cordieb
As long as the reason for not wearing it is not deceptive, I see no problem not wearing a wedding ring. That said, I used to wear my old wedding ring (from prior marriage) just so that I could have the excuse of being married.
February 12, 2008 at 10:12 pm
Darren
Very interesting comments. I seached this subject because my wife and I are having some problems and she has taken her wedding ring off in some sort of protest. I am stuggeling with whether to tell her that the ring symbolizes our committment to each other and that if she still wants to be in “our” house then “we” are going to wear “our” rings. She needs to make a decision. Ring on we are still working at a marriage or Ring off we are not and she needs to leave and file for divorce. Any thoughts Thanks
persistentillusion says:
Looks like you have a little more going on than just an issue of wearing a ring. Rings don’t mean anything unless you decide they do. ( I happen to be wearing mine today, but it’s the first day this week. However, in my house rings are not symbolic of my marriage.)
This seems to have turned into some sort of passive aggressive behavior or a power play for the two of you.
When you say stuff like “that if she still wants to be in “our” house then “we” are going to wear “our” rings”, it comes across as overbearing and dictatorial. I can’t know if that is the case or not, but rings are the LEAST of your marital problems. You are focusing on a battle, and ignoring the war.
Is she, perhaps, consistently engaging in passive aggressive behaviors? Per Wikipedia,
“Passive-aggressive behavior refers to passive, sometimes obstructionist resistance to following authoritative instructions in interpersonal or occupational situations. It can manifest itself as resentment, stubbornness, procrastination, sullenness, or repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is assumed, often explicitly, to be responsible. It is a defense mechanism and, more often than not, only partly conscious.”
If you are behaving in an autocratic or domineering manner, she may be rebelling vis-a-vis wearing the wedding ring.
Again, I can’t know your whole situation, but I hope you guys make it to marital counseling STAT. If you want to save your marriage, you are going to have to focus on more than just the wearing of a wedding ring.
February 21, 2008 at 8:40 pm
Nothin' but Trust
Great thread! I wear my ring when I go out to bars (with or without my husband), because I’m lucky enough to get hit on, so I use it as a force field (although, some guys don’t get the hint). But at home and if I’m going to the supermarket with my guy, nah, I don’t wear it. And I TOTALLY hate that wet-under-the-ring feeling. I don’t take it off to wash my hands (I’d knock it down the drain; I know it.), but I spend quite a bit of time sliding it back and forth trying to dry off that little bit underneath. If it were up to me, I wouldn’t wear one ever, but as a former single person, I feel the need to communicate that I’m off the market.
I always hated chatting up a great guy only to find out at the end of the night that he was married but not wearing!
I also got in a fight with a former friend about this subject. She believed that one should wear their ring even in dangerous situations, like when playing sports! She has every right to her opinion, but she has no right to impose it upon me (and she doesn’t play contact sports, so she doesn’t realize the risk of finger loss). I’m like most people in this thread: the marriage is what counts, not the symbol.
I also got in a fight with my husband when we were looking for rings. He believed that it should be jewel-laden and expensive because he felt it was a reflection on HIM! I almost called off the wedding for that one. I’m a simple person, and I wanted a simple, less-expensive ring. It’s all good now, but, man, I heavily questioned his values during that fight. It really does feel like many people have lost the plot about the true meaning of marriage.
Cheers!
persistentillusion says:
Good for you for standing up for what you want. Some women never do and HATE their rings…for decades. It would suck if every time you looked at your hand, you thought about how much you hated your ring.
May 2, 2008 at 10:30 pm
Natasha
It’s good to have a ring you like, but you were going to call off the marriage? That’s a bit excessive.
love,
natasha
May 2, 2008 at 11:35 pm
persistentillusion
@ natasha - It definitely would have made me reconsider marrying someone who was buying something for ‘me’ but only cared what he thought or how it reflected on him.
My husband agonized over what to get, asked me what I wanted, then got something else anyway. It turned out to be perfect and he did honor the spirit of my request.
May 13, 2008 at 9:27 am
suti
My husband doesn’t wear wedding ring very often but I do, since day 1 of our marriage.
persistentillusion says:
I actually ended up getting a simple wedding band, one that I wouldn’t mind losing or having stolen. I still don’t wear it all of the time, but I feel less nervous about it when I do!
July 9, 2008 at 5:05 am
dreemwhrld
When my parents got engaged, they were both flat broke. So my mom’s engagement ring was on the top of the tv - back when antennas were round and not rabbit ears.
Then my dad got the small diamond that was on his grandfather’s lapel pin put into a small gold heart. My mother wears this heart on a chain around her neck at all times - I think she’s taken it off once since I was born. She does have a wedding band, both she and my father wear simple gold bands. Most of the time they wear them, sometimes they don’t. I used to find my father’s watch lying around the house all the time when I was a kid; with the band stuck through his wedding ring.
I suppose it’s like any other custom or expression: it has meaning only when you give it a meaning, regardless of what we think ’society’ says it means. It sounds from the comments above that even in what we consider the standard societal meaning of the wedding ring, people wear it for different reasons (keep people from hitting on you, tradition, comfort, reminder, etc.)
I actually wear a claddagh ring on my ring finger. Not because I’m married or engaged, or even looking at this point, but my parents bought it for me when they were in Ireland, and it’s the only finger it fits on! (And it hasn’t stopped anyone from hitting on me, either.)
hayden tompkins says:
Are you, perchance, talking about those ooooooold school tv antennas? He proposed with that and she said “yes“? Wow, they must have been seriously in love!
July 11, 2008 at 1:20 pm
dreemwhrld
that is exactly what I was referring to.
And they are still very much in love more than 25 years later.