When I approached my brother yesterday about being removed as a co-signer for his student loan and whether I would still make payments, he responded with “I understand. Do what you have to do.”
WTF moment. Do what I have to do?
It’s an $800 payment! I have been paying his student loan for 24 on-time payments, a total of $19,200, holding my breath for the past two years that he might get it.
How difficult is it to get a job, look at your income, subtract your expenses, and live a financially responsible life?
Ramifications. How could I in good conscience just walk away from something that may well ruin his life, that I know he is not prepared to handle?
42. When I asked him what his plan was, he said simply “It’ll work out.”
I guess what I wanted to hear was that he was looking for a second job, or was going to tighten his belt, or get better at a budget.
What I wanted to hear was a reason, any reason, that I could continue to contribute. Just a sign that he was doing something ‘right’ and then I wouldn’t feel badly about laying out almost a $1,000 a month.
“It’ll work out” is NOT A PLAN.
The Plan circa 2003.
Brother gets out of my father’s house by living with me in a completely different city. (!) He pays rent. (only for 2 months) He then goes to school and gets a degree. (!) He learns how to interact with people. (!) He makes friends. (!) He moves out. (!)
He also gets a job in his field. (nope) He is passionate about his work and makes enough money. (nope to the work. he only makes enough money to barely cover his basic bills, not his loan payment.) He takes care of himself. (could be better, but still success!) He starts by paying $100 a month on the $800 a month payment. (hahahaha, no) Over the next two years which I am cosignor, he slowly takes over the whole payment. (didn’t you hear me, I said NO)
At the end of the two years, he is paying his own payment and I can de-cosign myself with no guilt. He is independent. He has learned who he is. The damage that my father did is almost completely reversed. (paying the payment? no. independent? kind of. learned who he is? yes! damaged reversed? actually, yes!)
Oh plan, how did it all go awry?
The Plan circa 2008. How can he flippantly say “it’ll work out”? I have noticed that it is almost always men who says stupid stuff like “it’ll work out”. Men like that usually have a responsible woman behind them with a plan, a to-do list, and some gusto.
Oh, God. I’m the woman.
Be Like Mike. I let go of wishing that my brother will turn out the way I want him to.
He is his own person. Just because I harbour some silly notion that he needs to be successful and not to turn out like my father, doesn’t mean that he shares that conventional concept. It means I am still imposing my own needs on someone else.
My brothers’ crosses are not my crosses. Literally! I know more than anyone that it is the tribulations in our lives that build our character, that teach us what we truly value, and gives us the sense of who we really are. From that standpoint, how can I deny my brother his own trials?
I’m still racked with guilt but, hey, that’s life.
8 comments
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February 28, 2008 at 9:25 pm
connie
I have a 40 year old brother who finally just had to be kicked out of the nest! He expected my mother, me, my husband, whoever to take care of his needs and wants. Sometimes you just have to do the “Tough Love” thing. Brother moved out and is somewhat more responsible. Co-signing is always tricky because your name is on the line too. Good luck with the guilt thing.
persistentillusion says:
He isn’t a leech and he doesn’t expect me to do anything, which just makes me feel worse about it. I just have to keep reminding myself that he has had a two-year opportunity to get it together.
February 28, 2008 at 9:43 pm
thedailydish
You and my husband could write a book on this, it’s unbelievable.
We have gotten to the point where we have little to no relationship w/ his family. The last time his brother asked if he could stay over my husband said Um, NO. And told me it looked like he’d knocked him upside the head with a 2×4, he was so shocked. But you have to draw the line somewhere. It sounds like you have done WAAAAAAAAAAY more than we ever would - or even possibly could. Time to fly little brothers. You are adults - time to make your own way through life.
persistentillusion says:
Rightly or wrongly, I have always believed that if there is a problem all you have to do is discuss it, make an action plan, and then execute the plan. It seems I am the only person who can do this, so it is pretty frustrating when I see someone else fail miserably at it.
Watching someone else fail is HORRIBLE. I hate this feeling.
February 28, 2008 at 9:52 pm
Guerrillero
Yeah! If you do not push your brother off the boat, he’ll never learn how to swim!
persistentillusion says:
Yeah, I know. Here I go, push!
February 29, 2008 at 3:29 pm
OrSoSheSaid
My mother and my youngest brother have this very same relationship. She sees him not where she knows he can or should be in his life and she is worried he will not “get there” so she pays for his credit cards, his car insurance, his car payments because “he doesn’t have enough money to take care of himself” and he lives pay check to pay check. Except in their case she’s too afraid he will “fail” to let him even try to be autonomous, so instead she makes payments while continually being disappointed that he is not attempting to take them over.
Making that decision to let your brother take over the payments cannot have been easy because you love your brother and you want to see him do well, but it was the right thing to do. Here’s to you for making an uncomfortable decision in the name of positive change!
I find your posts thought provoking and to make quite a bit of damned good logical sense. Keep them coming!
persistentillusion says:
It’s nice that I can tell I am doing the right thing because I really really don’t want to do it. When I know I am that resistant to something, usually it’s something I know I need to do.
And thank you for your kudos!
February 29, 2008 at 5:51 pm
cordieb
You said, “I guess what I wanted to hear was that he was looking for a second job, or was going to tighten his belt, or get better at a budget.”
~ People don’t usually change overnight. Certainly you wanted to hear that, but my guess is that you knew it wasn’t so. Problem is, you co-signed. Can you really just remove yourself from the loan? Will the creditor allow that? Is his other credit ok? If not, I can’t see the creditor letting you off the hook. I can see that you really love your brother and you’ve always protected him. If he says everything will work out, then it will. It might not work out quite like you want it to, but it will work out–it always does. I’m a giver, so I know what you mean; although I get frustrated at times, it’s not in my nature not to give, so I wouldn’t be happy saying no all the time. But sometimes we have to say no in order for the ones we love to mature and become responsible. But if their true nature isn’t so, it rarely ever happens. So we must learn to accept them as they are–although we don’t put our names on the line ever again. Thanks for sharing.
persistentillusion says:
After 2 years of on-time payments, you can take yourself off as co-signer, so that is no problem. And it is interesting, because I wouldn’t co-sign for anyone else, ever.
March 2, 2008 at 4:09 am
marlajayne
There’s nothing I can add to these already insightful responses. It’s going to be tough for both of you, but what are your options? If you continue to pay the loan, when does it end? After that, what’s next? I have a great friend who says that her biggest parenting “policy” was to always teach her children to act in such a way that they could live responsibly when she and her husband were dead.
persistentillusion says:
I think part of the reason why this whole process is so weird is that my brother and I don’t have traditionally defined roles. Even though I was a sibling, more often than not I was his parent too. When you’re a parent, you have specific goals in the process of someone’s maturing, however, he is maturing at the same time I am. I also know how far he really has come, which is why I didn’t think it was unreasonable to think that he would go further.
March 2, 2008 at 4:12 am
marlajayne
P.S. As I was clicking “submit,” I had another thought. Has anyone ever called you an enabler? It’s not necessarily a bad thing. I’ve been called that myself! In your situation, what makes it harder to do the tough love thing is that you and your brother have traveled such rocky roads together. You know his history and heartache and wonder if he’s up to being a grown up without you.
persistentillusion says:
No one has ever called me an enabler! It is only with him that I have such an achilles heel. Feeling guilty doesn’t make anyone feel better, so I am just sucking it up. Yippee.
March 3, 2008 at 6:05 pm
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